Bids for Connection Unraveled: Unlocking the Secret Language of Lasting Love

cmmortimer
3 days ago
3 min read

In every relationship, there’s an invisible thread of tiny moments that can either strengthen or fray the bond between partners. Psychologist Dr. John Gottman calls these moments “bids for connection.” These bids are the small but powerful ways we

reach out to one another — asking, often indirectly, for attention, affection, or affirmation.

While they may seem trivial in the moment — a passing comment, a sigh, a look — how we respond to these bids can determine the emotional climate of our relationship. Over time, they create a foundation of trust, intimacy, and love… or neglect, distance, and resentment.

What is a Bid for Connection?

A bid is any attempt one partner makes to connect with the other. It might look like:

“Look at that sunset!” (A bid for shared attention)
“I had such a rough day.” (A bid for emotional support)
“Want to go for a walk?” (A bid for quality time)
A touch on the shoulder
A meme sent during the workday
A heavy sigh hoping someone will ask what’s wrong

These moments are the relationship’s heartbeat. They’re not always grand gestures — they’re the everyday signals that say, “I want to be seen, heard, and valued by you.”

Why Bids Matter

Research shows that couples who consistently “turn toward” each other’s bids — meaning they acknowledge and respond with interest or care — are far more likely to stay together and feel fulfilled in their relationship.

In fact, Gottman’s research found that couples in successful relationships turned toward bids 86% of the time, compared to 33% in unhappy relationships.

Missing these bids, or worse — rejecting them — can lead to emotional disconnection, hurt feelings, and eventually, the erosion of the relationship.

How to Recognize a Bid

Bids can be:

Verbal or non-verbal
Direct or indirect
Playful or serious

Examples:

Direct: “Can we talk?”
Indirect: “I don’t know how I’m going to get through this week.”
Playful: Throwing a pillow at you, hoping you’ll join the fun
Silent: A lingering glance, hoping you’ll notice

Being present and emotionally attuned is key to recognizing these moments.

The Three Responses to a Bid

When a bid is made, there are three typical responses:

Turning Toward
- You engage positively.
- Example: “Tell me about your day,” or even just a smile and eye contact.
- This builds trust, affection, and intimacy.
Turning Away
- You ignore or miss the bid.
- Example: Scrolling your phone while they speak.
- This can leave your partner feeling invisible.
Turning Against
- You respond with irritation or contempt.
- Example: “Why do you always talk about negative stuff?”
- This creates emotional damage and pushes your partner away.

How to Effectively Answer a Bid

1. Be Present

Put down your phone. Look up. Be curious about what your partner is trying to share.

2. Listen with Heart

Don’t just hear their words — hear their need. Are they asking for help, comfort, attention, or play?

3. Respond Gently and Genuinely

“That sounds tough, want to talk more?”
“That’s hilarious, show me more memes!”
“I’m so glad you told me.”

4. Make it Safe to Bid

If your partner fears criticism or rejection, they’ll stop reaching out. Keep your response warm and welcoming, even if you’re tired.

5. Create Bid-Rich Environments

Cook together, walk together, play games, laugh, send messages throughout the day — these open the door to more shared moments.

Final Thoughts

Relationships don’t usually break down in one dramatic moment. They unravel through thousands of missed or dismissed bids for connection. But the reverse is also true — love is built in small, consistent acts of turning toward each other.

Next time your partner says, “Hey, look at this,” or lets out a sigh, see it as a whisper of connection. Your response might just be the thread that weaves your hearts a little closer.

Call to Action:Start noticing — and answering — the bids your partner makes today. Keep a mental tally of how often you turn toward versus away. You might be surprised at how these tiny moments transform the tone of your relationship.